It’s an odd feeling, to be as I have come to term it recently, emotively emotionless, to feel everything and nothing at the same time. Allow to elaborate, throughout my life I have often felt nothing more than content, even when completely happy and fulfilled, positive emotions have never really had much of an impact upon me. However when it comes to negative emotions, well, that is an entirely different concept altogether.
There are times in my life when despondency, despair and agony are constant, when this happens, life becomes perennially devoid of all hope, and I enter a state of mind where the only emotions that I can feel, are negative ones. Any positive news within that time frame, will equate to nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders for me, whilst any negative news will more often than not, send my world crashing down around me. It is hard to fully explain what it is that goes through me during those moments, but there have been times in my life, during these moments, that I have briefly contemplated with the notion of ending my existence.
It is perhaps worrying to hear that I have reached that stance on numerous occasions during my life, especially when those around me tell me that there is still a fair amount of my youth left to live. As a father of three, that notion is not something I dwell on, but it is a struggle that I have come across with far too many times for my liking, and a struggle that I have to deal with for months on end at a time, on a daily basis.
From elation to despair in seconds, a range of emotion that I have quickly descended to, even as recently as today. From a creative standpoint, these moments of despair are a breath of perfection, a chance for me to convey and annotate in rhythmic eloquence, the depth of emotion, the ever present storm that often rages within me. From a personal standpoint, it can be torture, having to struggle with the thought of questioning your very self worth whilst trudging through daily responsibilities and the monotony of being an insignificant cog in a corporate wheel, can be arduous at best, and damn near impossibility at its very worst.
This in turn leads me to today, today’s display of despair lays upon mere moments, seconds defined the day, from arising with hope and joy, I am set to end the day despondent, the depth of emotion at present is so heavy, that even breathing seems a laborious struggle. The day is not yet over and I am already dreading having to take my place as the cog in the wheel at work tomorrow. Today feels like the start of a very long period of time for me, as to whether it is days, weeks or months, I am not altogether sure, these things tend to last for an indefinite period of time, often leaving as quickly as when they first arrived. All I know is that for a while, the light of the dawn will not shine upon me.
Perhaps I am merely wired this way, that the reason I cannot quite place a finger on why this state occurs, why I become emotively emotionless, is merely because it is second nature to me and there is no reason. Then again, maybe I am merely in the throes of depression, if that is so, then I have been under the thrall of depression since I was at least five years old, because it is from that point in time, that I remember being as I am.
Whatever the reason may be, it seems I am to enter a period of life wherein I will be at my creative and brilliant best for conveying emotion via rhyme, and at the same time, be in a raging, torturous storm that will not abate for a single second. It is hard to convey quite how perplexing this is to me, and the many questions that remain in my head.
For years I have wondered, why I am merely content and never happy, for years I wondered whether I was just never meant to be happy, whether I was doomed to walk through life under a rain cloud whilst those around me walked on sunshine. This might seem melodramatic, and believe me, it does to me, but it is hard to consider a logical notion when your emotions are completely and utterly illogical.
The very strange thing in all this, is the fact that I find myself physically unable to cry. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in my life. Five, and three of those were at the birth of my three children, once when I thought my grandmother was dying, and once when I lost all hope. Five times, in over three decades. Staggering when you consider the depth of emotion that flows through me at any given moment. I have gone through experiences in my life, both as a child and as an adult, which would reduce the strongest of men to tears, yet none of that so much as evoked a tear in me. At times this has made me wonder just what exactly the hell is wrong with me.
Following on from that, if these emotions were not enough, then there is the fact that, like I stated previously in the post Mental Chaos, that there are a thousand thoughts running through my mind continuously throughout the day, as loud as voices, and as clear as can be, without cessation. When you combine the two extremes, you get a volatile concoction. A volatile concoction that I have had to bear since I was five years old. Close to three decades later and I am still at a loss as to how to combat this concoction, or even how to deal with it. All I know is that my world, since I was a mere child, has been a raging, perpetual storm of Mental Chaos whilst being Emotively Emotionless, in an continual cycle, that to this day, shows no sign of ever abating.