If I glance silently towards the murky depths of my distant past, I can instantly place my hands upon the pain that sits there, silently waiting for the moments I tend to revisit them. My past, like that of most people, is full of regret, pain and endless frustration. This week for me, has added to it. Not only have I at moments relived painful memories of my distant past, but I’ve had to deal with frustrating circumstances and a high degree of emotional pain.
Career wise, I find myself in the doldrums of employability, employed in a repetitive, mind numbing industry, in a position which initially I took as a stop gap whilst other opportunities bore fruit. Unfortunately the opportunities have yet to yield any fruit, so I remain in a stop gap, lacking both the motivation and desire to progress within the industry I currently work in.
Do not misunderstand my meaning, any job, however menial, if legitimate, is something that should bear pride, an honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work. However, the truth of the matter is that the industry I am currently employed in, is not the industry that I have any desire to make a career in. It is at times, soul destroying to find myself employed in an industry I have come to detest, working the kind of hours that only a drunkard would consider social, and a pay cheque that is frankly insulting, and barely worth the effort.
There is a chance for progression within the industry, but the progression in itself is an illusion, a mirage of titles and promotions, that only mean more hours, more responsibilities for the same basic pay before the promotion, with the hours being even more unsociable, and the added bonus of having to be on call and ready to drop your life at the bequest of the management.
The sheer frustration of being in an industry I never once desired, considered or even contemplated ever entering is at times overwhelming. I have nothing but respect for those that work alongside me, for the stresses that they and I have to deal with on a daily basis are innumerate, and I have a lot of respect for those who choose this industry as their career path, but frankly, this industry is just not for me, and although I will miss the people I work with, I cannot wait for the day that I can finally hand in my notice and start my progression through a career of my choosing.
This brings me to the emotional pain I’ve had to deal with this week, whilst I do not wish to go into explicit detail as to what caused this pain, due to the personal nature of it, suffice to say, it took me from hope to despair, to fear, to sorrow within a matter of days. It is hard to describe the pain you go through when you have your hopes and dreams come true, only to see them taken away from you just as soon as they had arrived.
So the year for me has begun as it ended, in perpetual flux, a plethora of emotions, frustrations and depressive moments, and there are times where I desire to play the role of an ostrich, and bury my head in the sand, just to be able for a single moment, to lay my troubles and worries to rest. As a father however, that option is never a possible one, and so I soldier on, wounded, seeking rest, yet finding none. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, as the old saying goes, but you never know, the light at the end of the tunnel, just might be, an oncoming train rolling towards you.
Nothing ever changes, nothing ever stays the same, there is no guarantee in life that things will change for the better, or that there will be a cessation, a moment of rest from the pain. I feel as if I stand upon a precipice, teetering over between my past and the present. Drawing ever so closer to falling upon an old soul and reopening old wounds whilst still bleeding profusely from the fresh wounds of the day. It is hard to look upon my current situation and not find similarities to the pain I once suffered in the past.
This culminates into an influx of almost unbearable emotional pain, it is hard enough to deal with the pain that daily life brings, add to it pains of the days of yore, and it becomes even more of a burden. That which does not kill you, makes you stronger, it seems to me, that I am to find just how strong, the trials and tribulations that life has put me through have made me.