My Story/Daddy

Once again, today we enter uncharted territory for me, I’ve dropped the usual complications that I place upon myself when writing, and instead allowed my emotions to write in my stead.  Another first is the double named poem, which is something that I have never done before, hope you all enjoy it.

The Raven

My Story/Daddy

Thirty years ago, back when I was two,
I had no idea of the Hell that I was to go through,
All the countless nights pondering whether they’d mourn,
Or whether they’d wished I had never been born,
So many moments that lay before me, that lay ahead,
When I considered walking the line between alive and dead,
It was never easy for me to understand or explain,
The voices, the notions, the thoughts exploding within my brain,
For years and years I tried to understand,
Why my soul yearned for a sharp blade pressed to my hand…

Twenty years ago, I was a little over ten,
Life was surely so much more innocent back then,
Still familiar with pain, right from the start,
A baby brother dropped from the sky then ripped from my heart,
I just couldn’t wrap around my little head,
Just why instead of having two brothers, one was quickly dead,
I soldiered on, trying to be the best brother I could be,
But I couldn’t I was useless, tormented by pain inside of me,
I tried to be the good example, one to look up to,
But I was deluded, unsure what was lies and what was true,
Blind I walked, fearful of the monsters underneath the bed,
While my mother lay unconscious next to a tub of pills next to her head…

Ten years ago, not too far into becoming a man,
Already wasted my education and my hope came from a beer can,
Watching my father descend further into insanity,
As I stand in an empty spewing a repeated profanity,
Gone was the hopes, the dreams, the illusion,
Here to stay was anguish and eternal confusion,
Becoming promiscuous, from one love to another,
Tasting drugs and drinks, a useless example to my younger brother,
Still confused, not knowing what or who to be,
No closer to solving the mystery of who or what was me…

The pains and worries still burn even today,
I’ve lost all hope at times but my strength does not sway,
Too much to live for, that much is true,
Gotta stand by my children, because kids, daddy’s nothing without you,
It’s hard to describe how much they truly define me,
Although I may have no purpose, the father they love is all I desire to be,
Still I remain haunted, wounded and tormented by my past,
This seems to be a struggle that a lifetime will last,
Welcome to my life, welcome to my story,
For even if I achieve the world, my kids are still my crowning glory,
Let it forever stay, the way it has always meant to be,
There is only one single word that can ever define me,
One word that no matter the pain, torment or loss of hope,
A singular word that gets me through the torment and helps me cope,
The one simple word, that I desire and am proud to be,
“Daddy”.

Written by The Raven – 31/01/2015 ©

sniper kitty

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