It’s an odd thing to define, normality, yet it is one of those intangible elements that we all ascribe to, and at times, an element we cling to, in order to be able to be deemed acceptable by modern society. The paradigm that defines normality is forever shifting to fit societal needs, the behaviours that are acceptable today, were once considered the taboos of yesteryear. Trials and tribulations are faced by all of us in every facet of our lives, yet for some people, the attainment of normalcy is a trial and tribulation in itself.
For decades, I have known myself to be different to my peers, not in ability nor physique, but in the inner workings of my mind. Over analysis and an alternative manner of approaching thought processes have been my most habitual differences, evident since my youth, though I was quite unclear of it at the time.
I have oft wondered for a considerate amount of time, If I have fallen adrift of my sanity, and whether there is anything wrong with me. It has been frustrating for me to fall upon the fringes of lunacy and never know just on which side I fall upon. The amount of times I find myself falling into flashbacks of oft insignificant moments without rhyme nor reason to, which I can honestly say it at minimum perplexing, at maximum, frustrating.
The complexity of the manner in which my mind works and fluctuates has been beneficial to me in a way, since I find myself liberated from a creative standpoint, it comes a lot easier to be able to construct almost anything in written form, from prose to story arcs and beyond, when there is a freedom of expression unhindered by a uniform thought process first introduced to me during my scholastic education.
However, I do find that because of the way my mind fluctuates, that the most menial and simple of tasks I can easily over think and over complicate to no end, which ends up making things far more complex than initially intended. This has impacted my scholastic and professional life, and has proved quite cumbersome.
So what is to be done to solve such a thing? I honestly wish I knew, my life would be far simpler for it. For years I have fleeted, unsure of my purpose, my desired career, or even my goals in life. Everything seems to be in a state of perpetual flux, and what made sense yesterday, is replaced today and forgotten about tomorrow. This has meant that I have been unable to adhere to a structured path on which to advance upon from a career perspective. What seemed a fantastic idea for a career a week ago, is now lost within the sands of time, and a new idea has taken it’s place.
I had similar issues during my scholastic education. I was always very proficient in my school work, yet my proficiency was not displayed within my exam results. My IQ was far higher than my grades professed them to be. The issue then, as is now, was a simple one. My mind, being unable to follow a thought process to completion without venturing off on a seemingly random tangent, would find quick and easy distractions within the confines of my own mind during my studious moments, which then lead to me approaching my examinations, completely and utterly unprepared.
So how do I remedy this situation? Again the answer for me is unclear, I have been through plenty of trials and tribulations, lessons have been learnt, yet nothing seems to temper the tempest that continually takes hold of my thought process, even parenthood has failed to abate the tempest and silence my thoughts.
To give an example of just how much I have cost myself because of this, a family member, who is very dear to me, runs a very successful business, which I was very fortunate to be a part of. During my period of employment within this business, I was offered a chance to rise to the very top of the business, and countless other opportunities that financially would have been the making of me, and would have seen me become successful beyond my wildest dreams. In my mind and in my soul, I wished, I desired to take these opportunities with both hands and run with them, yet even when I forced myself to be studious, my internal tangents would begin, my thoughts would evade the matter at hand, chaos would ensue, and the opportunities I desired, were not grasped.
These opportunities were once in a lifetime for me, and to this day I regret being unable to take them through to completion. I feel to this very day, that I failed my family member and their aspirations for me, as well as myself. It burns me that someone I cared about deeply, had high hopes and aspirations for me, and that I let them down and failed every single one of those hopes and dreams.
At times I sit here with the desire to turn back the clock, to traverse the sands of time, return to those moments and achieve what I failed to do, to set myself on the path that those opportunities should have taken me, yet I know such a thing is not possible. I live in vain hope that I will be able to learn from these mistakes and ensure I succeed in other opportunities that present themselves. However I am also fraught with worry that history may repeat itself and that I may fail once more.
There are times where I wish I would lean far more on the side of normalcy rather than be so close to the lunatic fringe. There is an old saying that there is a fine line between genius and madness, I feel I am neither, yet I fret that I walk a similar line, though the line for me is drawn between creativity and lunacy.
Perhaps I should be clear on what I mean by lunacy, I do not mean lunacy in the medical term, but rather simply refer to chaos. As I explained in my one of my previous blogs entitled Mental Chaos (https://wordpress.com/post/81551707/19/) my mind is in perpetual flux, and I would dread to enter a point, where the flux is far more chaotic, ferocious and eternal. It is currently in perpetual flux, albeit in a somewhat manageable manner, allowing for creative and linguistic freedom.
My fear is that it becomes unmanageable and the creative spark that lies within is lost. At that point, everything shall become a cacophony of sound, which could then be the eventual decline and degradation of my mental faculties from a creative perspective, and leave me unable to bear any semblance of any clear or concise cognitive thought.
Thus so, I am brought unto today, unto the precipice between creativity and chaos, perennially balancing, between hope and aspiration, that I may be able to bring some structure to perpetual chaos, some rigidity to continual flux. Hoping that lessons will remain and be remembered, in order to surpass and excel through the trials and tribulations of the lunatic fringe, and find myself amongst the confines of normalcy, albeit with a creative and linguistic flair.
Until next time,