Now is the winter of my discontent, Shakespeare’s words have never felt so poignant in my life before. These past few months seems to have been intent on dangling the faintest glimmer of hope, only to have it snatched away right before my very eyes. Suffice to say, if we factor in all that has occurred in the last three months, from the miscarriage, to continual job rejections, to a increasing spiral into depression, it has been a pretty torrid time for me in the last quarter…
Today I received another rejection for a job that I had applied for over a month ago. The interview had taken place last week and I honestly left feeling that there was a good chance that this was it, this was the chance to leave my current employment and begin anew, in a far more beneficial, both from a career and fiscal perspective, environment, alas however, it was not meant to be.
Rejection after an interview is not a new experience for me, however, this was the first time wherein I was so certain that it was to be my new career, that I had almost begun planning handing in my notice at my current employment, once I had received the job offer of course. My thoughts were a tad presumptuous it seems.
Usually after this kind of situation, you begin to hear all the usual platitudes, about how it was not the right job for you, how the right one will eventually come around and all that, but in all honesty, they have become empty, hollow words without meaning to me now. It is hard to not take the constant rejections personal, surely it cannot possibly be that every single job that I apply to is not the right one for me, especially when on the basis of my CV alone, I get through to the interview stage.
Hope is a fleeting, yet cruel glimmer of vanity that we allow ourselves to experience. We deceive ourselves into seeing only the positives, in order to soothe our egos, to stand tall in the belief, that we are the absolute best option for whatever we choose to put ourselves forward for. Whilst this might benefit us in the moment, in reality it is a cruel form of punishment that we choose to put ourselves through. We build ourselves up, to knock ourselves back down…
It is hard to have any hope remaining for the future, when it comes to employment prospects. It seems that I will forever be stuck in a job I loathe rather than in a career I’ll love. The onus for me is not so much on the fiscal side of things, but rather on having a purpose, having a career I will find fulfilment and joy out of participating in.
Currently, I find myself dreading waking up in the morning for work. My current employment is not an arduous one nor is my daily tenure at work an overly long one. Yet due to my loathing of the job, tedium, frustration, and a feeling of restriction is at an all time high.
All I really desire, is having a passion, a fire for a career, wherein waking up each morning to go to work, is a joy, is exciting, rather than the dull tedious frustration of “let’s get this over with, only X hours left”. I held hope once that things might change in the future, but currently I find myself drawn to the belief that I will forever be stuck in the tedium, in the rather depressing knowledge, that this current employment, is as good as it will get for me.
Until next time,