I remember a dream I had years ago, I saw myself standing on the sidelines of a gladiatorial arena, watch two versions of myself fight for supremacy. For weeks afterwards, I pondered the meaning of such a perplexing state of mind within my subconscious. For decades I have wrestled with the two sides to my story. On the one side lies the hopeful, jovial and gregarious side of me, on the other side lies the depressive, fragile and fearful side of me. Both sides continuously challenging for supremacy.
This battle continues to this very day, at this very moment. A new challenge lies ahead of me, an exciting journey and a truly fantastic and amazing project with unlimited potential, and yet I am filled with trepidation. It seems the moment I seem to find a semblance of belief, of faith in my own capabilities, It wilts, evaporates, dissipates and is replaced by the expectation of failure, and a profound lack of confidence and belief in my own capabilities.
My mind tells me of the potential that this new journey brings and of all the possible rewards, whilst my soul constantly reminds me that success constantly eludes me, and all that it will to is continual frustration and disappointment. In this manner, I am my own worst enemy, since I am the catalyst to my own failure. My own inability to back my capabilities up with decisive action and faith in myself, causes me to often cease all efforts and place the project upon the scrap heap.
For the last four months I have written a series of poems in this blog called “The Raven Tales”, and in each of them, I describe myself as the mythical character within the poems, The Raven. The Raven is a bird in which over the years I have found myself feeling an odd sense of kinship to. To the depressive side of me it is the personification of the bleak and hopeless emotions that rest within the depths of my soul, a physical manifestation of loneliness and sorrow that I feel on a daily basis.
To the hopeful side of me, The Raven is my torment, a portent, a portal even, to the deep held emotions, pain and suffering that lay within the darkest depths of my soul. When the hopeful side of me sees The Raven take flight, it knows that dark and sorrowful times lie ahead.
The frustrating thing is, is that both sides are equally correct, The Raven, or rather me, is neither and both of these things, therein lies the duality in which I live in. I share only aspects of my true self with those around me, based upon their expectations of me, which leads me often to wonder which aspect is the true definition of me.
The Raven and I are intertwined, one and the same. It is also the greatest source of my inspiration for my poetry, though at times I fear that the more I peer into the dark abyss, the more The Raven will take over, and the less of me in a way there will be.
Whilst some might wonder why I have chosen to explain this today, I feel I should explain that the reason I do this, is to perhaps explain the continual Raven references on this blog, and as well to give a further explanation as to how my mind works, and how the Raven came to be as the central figure of my recent poetry.
Until next time,