It can be quite haunting to look into your past, to rediscover the skeletons in your closet, and to contemplate the situations that placed them there. My skeletons unfortunately have to do with actions that were beyond my control, and those are the ones that pain me the most.
To be able to reconcile with the mistakes made in the past is one thing, indeed it is a manner for self-reflection and possible growth, but it is impossible to reconcile with events that you had no part to play beyond being either a spectator or a victim.
For decades I have been carrying a deep seated pain within me, that burns me every single waking moment. Someone I loved and cherished, suffered something beyond incomprehensible, and although they stand tall today physically, emotionally it has left a scar that will always be a constant reminder of what took place.
This burden tortures me more than I would prefer to admit, in all honesty, this remains an unspoken bond between us. We have touched upon the subject matter in the past, albeit only briefly, and never in depth. If I am honest, I fear discussing it for fear of having to reconcile with that pain once more, and that us facing this pain head on, in a full, detailed conversation of the matter, would only serve to create a distance between us. That distance was once a decade long, and I have no desire to face that distance a second time around.
Fear is something that I must admit, lives within me. Fear of that conversation, fear of the ramifications of the conversation, fear of never quite being able to quench the pain that I carry with me daily. I honestly wish that merely discussing the things that torment me would give me some sort of relief, absolution, peace, but I am certain that it would do all and none of those things at the same time.
There might be a reason within me that fear quells so much within me. In all honesty, pain has not been a stranger in my life, which almost makes me wonder why this fear bothers me so much. In a way it is simple to understand, it is never easy for a child to lose his closest confidant at a young age, especially when you do not quite understand why it must be so. When a child is convinced it has done the right thing, yet to face punishment for it, it causes confusion, which is further compounded by the loss the child faces. In this instance we are talking about distance and time, two things that are impossible to regain, no matter how strenuous the effort.
As it stands, I will sit here and wait, silently avoiding the discussion yet at the same time hoping for it, for that is the dichotomy that I live with. I cannot find peace within the silence, yet all I find within the possibility of discussion is fear. A Fear that consumes me into silence.
Until next time,