Existential escapism is something that has dominated my entire life. I have always wished to be someone else, I never did quite enjoy being myself. Growing up I always wanted to be Danny Zuko from Grease, he could sing, dance, got the girl, and was good looking as well. In short, he was everything I wasn’t.
Decades later and not much has changed, I still want to be anyone else but myself, to be freed from the horror that lies within. To find freedom from the prison built within the confines of my own mind by my thoughts and the voices therein.
My thoughts are constant, never-ending and deafening, there is no respite, no solace from the many moments, the many cascading trails of thought, the questioning of my very existence.
There are no moments within my day that my mind is not in constant flux, and honestly it is exhausting. So many times I have wished to be someone else, to have the simplicity of being content within myself, to knowing who I am, and what my purpose is.
My nomme de plume is The Raven, but The Raven, is a personality within me. It is the voice of the voiceless, the dark thoughts that lie within, the depression, the subconscious part of me that never comes to light.
There used to be a time that The Raven and me were two separate entities within the same being, nowadays it seems that The Raven and myself are interwoven in a manner that renders us inseparable.
The Raven is also my creativity, all my creative thoughts are harnessed within it. Yet The Raven is also my depressive persona, and therein lies the issue. My depression and my creativity coexist, making handling my depression via medication, also stifling the creative process within my mind.
I have always hoped that there would come a time wherein I’d find my purpose, but until then, I will always be riding my own greased lightning into the sunset, hoping for a time, for a moment, to be anyone but myself…
Until next time,