There’s a lot of hidden emotion within me, somethings that I cannot talk about, others that I simply refuse to admit to myself, and some emotions that I am not quite ready to face yet. Unresolved moments from the past still darken my brightest days, and in a way, it is almost a symbiotic relationship between the repressed emotions and my creative ability.
The symbiotic relationship however, feels like it is killing me from within. Each and every day, my past seems to tighten its grasp upon my present, and leaves me unable to fully contemplate the future. I would love to be able to be free from my past, and indeed many have suggested therapy before, but the thing is, if I feel nothing but emptiness from sharing my past and my pain with others, then why and how would therapy exactly be a success?
At times it feels like I am drifting within this world, forever caught between my past and my present, each a painful and tiresome rip upon the fabric of my very soul. There has been countless times wherein I have wished, dreamed and hope for respite, for release, to be free from the pain that has tormented me all through the years.
Yet there is no release, no respite, mentally, I’m broken. There is something within my mind that doesn’t function as it should, that causes me to fleet in and out of reality, to focus constantly on the pain of the past as if it were my present. Depression is very much a mental health issue, and something that is unfortunately not quite highlighted enough. The understanding for it is so little, that you often hear a misuse of the word when someone’s just feeling a little bit down, and these emotions are of course very much valid, but the misuse of the word makes it harder for others to fully embrace and understand just what depression truly is.
It is darkness personified, walking hand in hand with your fears, and your own mockery and detraction, the notion that you are useless and unworthy is ever present, and you can never truly be free from it, because it is always there, inside your mind, hidden, silent, waiting for the moment to unleash itself once more.
Thing is, I don’t quite fully understand it myself, I wish I could sit here and define and describe the reasons why I feel as I do, but I can’t. All I know is that these feelings have been there since I was six years old, perhaps even before then, but six is when I became cognisant of them. These thoughts have lead to years of doubts and wrong decisions, and moments of clarity are fleeting and almost non-existent.
There have been times in my life wherein I considered the notion of my birth, a sin, an ill fated moment wherein my torment began. Torment is the best way that I can describe what it is to have your own mind find you unworthy. This is why in a way I created The Raven persona, as a way of perhaps being able to understand, to explain the unexplainable.
However The Raven persona has in essence become a greater part of me than I had ever hoped or anticipated. The Raven and myself are now almost inseparable, to the point wherein I have wondered aloud before if The Raven is consuming me, and will be all that remains. It is hard to describe this with logic or sense, I guess in a way it could be described as a split personality, but it’s not even close to that. It is something else, something different. It is the manifestation of my depression and my creativity, and I honestly hate that it has become so intertwined with me.
For years I have been multifaceted, different things to different people, never once showing my true self, my true personality to anyone, I have merely been what those around me needed me to be. This in part is what has led to The Raven become such a growing part of me in a way, since there is a vacuum there waiting to be filled. The truth is that I have never quite been sure who “me” really is. I have never been able to find my purpose or indeed what makes me tick. I suppose it could be argued that The Raven is what makes me tick.
As it stands I once again find myself drifting between moments of clarity, fantasy and of my past. There’s a tumultuous sea of thought within me and I cannot for the moment find respite from it, even within the eye of the storm. I hope for the moment that I can find a permanent solution to this equation, though it is a small, vain hope rather than an expectation. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my days, a daunting thought indeed, but a thought wherein I have little say in the matter…
Until next time,